Opening up about my Mental Illness for the first time.

What’s up guys?! This is kind of a heavy post for first thing in the am, or for any time for that matter… but I have been wanting to open up for a long time and begun a post like this multiple times– stopping myself because I’ve been afraid. It’s not the most comfortable thing to allow yourself to be totally vulnerable.

But what the heck… here it goes… if my story can help one person the way others have helped me- it is beyond worth it to me to put myself out there. So here it goes, this is for the person who needs it. This is for breaking the stigma.

In June of 2013 (a little over a year ago) I stopped everything I was doing in my life and starting working on my mental health. I made it my number one priority…

For years I struggled with symptoms of Bipolar Disorder but refused to accept it, and refused treatment. It was within in the last year (2013) that it got to the point where denying myself of treatment was robbing me of really living my life. Like any other illness, without treatment mental illness gets worse. For years I was able to manage functioning in my life but things progressed and once it hit a certain point I was no longer in control of my life. My bipolar disorder was robbing me of living, if I wanted a life… a successful life, a conscious life, a life with friends and family… I needed to do everything I could to get better and I had to do it ASAP.

Bipolar Disorder is also known as Manic/Depression. A person with Bipolar Disorder experiences the extreme highs of mania and the extreme lows of depression . While every persons symptoms vary somewhat a person diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder tends to be in a depressed state much of the time, and experiences shorter spans hypomania.  Bipolar 1 Disorder varies from Bipolar 2 in that people (like me…hi :))  with Bipolar 1 Disorder the person experiences the extreme lows of depression as well as the extreme highs of HYPERMANIA. Hypermania can manifest itself in many ways, for me it typically comes with weeks of 2-4 hours of sleep a night, still feeling full of energy,  rapid speech (for those who know me … I know you’ve experienced that! Lol) … it comes with insane amounts of creativity and believing I have just come up with 15 multimillion dollar ideas that MUST be executed. I would over commit myself in all aspects of my life, I would make poor spontaneous decisions- many of which I faced the consequences for…but you feel invisible and don’t even think about it. And I was often irritable and angry with people who didn’t deserve it. My depressions got worse… fast. I lost passion for everything. I isolated myself more and more… and yes, there were days I didn’t want to be here. I had no energy… I didn’t understand WHY …WHY when I knew what I wanted to accomplish in life I couldn’t get myself out of bed… to the gym… or as gross as it is to share…even shower. Bipolar 1 often comes with what is called mixed episodes… where you can be both manic and depressed at the same time. That is where it gets real scary…because you are in a depressed state and you actually have the energy to do something about it. Often times I felt like I had 4 television shows playing simultaneously in my head at the same time  mentally EXHAUSTING. Bipolar disorder also comes with anxiety (at times debilitating anxiety),  trouble focusing and is often thought of many mental Illness rolled into one.

It’s extremely frustrating and tormenting to not understand yourself. To not know what it feels like to be present in your own life. I will open up more over time and please feel free to ask me any questions…

But where I really want to go with this post is to say that if it weren’t for my immediate family, and a specific close friend, I may not have sought out treatment. I may not even be here now, I sure as hell wouldn’t be where I am right now-  and I know not everyone has a family or friends who “believes” that mental illness is a real thing… or they don’t believe in medication … or for whatever reason you feel alone and discouraged from getting help.

I, Samantha Rose have Bipolar 1 Disorder… but it does not define who I am… it has, however, given me strength and empathy and adds a hell of a lot of elements to my character and personality ! Many of which I embrace and would not be who I am without them.

There is nothing to be ashamed about and it IS real. It is very real. You deserve to feel what it feels like to consciously live your life so can develop the right .tools to help you to function and be successful and happy.

I work extremely hard on my mental health… every week, everyday…I constantly work on it going to therapy twice a week I go to therapy to better understand myself and build tools to help me, I take my medication (for those who are biased in this aspect… I decided a pill was worth my quality of life) … and I practice yoga and meditation which have all made a tremendous difference; and I can say for the first time in I can’t remember how long, I feel like I am present in my life. I make my decisions.

It is still a struggle… many days are a battle within myself but with hard work it has gotten much better and it can for anyone else! I promise you have to believe.

My untreated Bipolar Disorder robbed me of years of my life… and it robbed my sisters and I of a grandmother and my father of a mother at age 12.

It’s real. You’re not alone if you’re going through it… and for those who aren’t. ..it may be impossible for you to fully understand but I hope together we can end the stigma so people can feel comfortable and open to get the help they need to live their lives as we all deserve to ♡

Please share this with anyone you know who you feel it might make a difference. It is not easy knowing someone,  being in a relationship with someone or loving someone who suffers from a mental illness… but I promise you- your support,  encouragement and presence in their lives could quite possibly be what keeps them holding on or even encourages then to seek out the treatment they need to live a quality life.

Thank you for taking the time to read a part of my story and allowing me to share this with you. Please don’t suffer in silence and if you notice behaivor in someone you know or love… just ask them… if they are okay? That simple question can change everything.

I love you all… let’s end this stigma. It’s real… it’s a medical condition that science is now referring to as a brain disorder over a mental illness… educate ourselves and others. STOP THE STIGMA … no one should feel they have to suffer alone.

Much love and appreciation,
Sammie Rose ♡